Lately, I’ve been struggling with my sexuality. I think it's being in college and having to acknowledge that all my peers are sexually active. I don't have much of an interest in sex, but maybe I do. I don’t think about it a lot, that's for sure. It's an abstract concept to me, and it's something that I know is important to some people but not to me. I want it to be; it would make me feel normal, which I desperately crave. I just dont understand how sex could be so important to some people.
Human sexuality is complicated. I know this. It's just hard to accept it. I feel like I’m sticking my square thoughts into a round hole. Intellectually, I understand that my, just like everyone else's, sexuality is complicated. There are many factors that contribute to it, like the people I’m around, the medications I am taking, and my mental state, but it doesn't stop the fact that I want it to be simple. I want it to be as easy as all the other lesbians I see, proudly displaying their sexuality and confidence in who they are. I sometimes even question my oem lesbianism! I feel like I should be attracted to women like other lesbians. I write off my attraction to women; even though it is rare, it is still there. I know that when I’m around women, I have feelings I don't have with men. It is just so hard when everyone talks about all these fictional crushes and their sex lives, and I’m just... there.
It's awkward; I think that may be where all of this is coming from. I may be asexual, but I don’t want to be. That may be something I just have to work on accepting. I feel very little sexual and romantic attraction right now, and that is something that I will have to accept. There is no one I am expected to be but myself. There is no one knocking on my door to have sex with me. I am the only one holding these expectations of what my sexuality should look like. I am pretty sure I want someone to love me romantically, but that's a complicated feeling, and I have plenty of people who love me non-romantically right now. My roommates and my family, to name a few.
I think my sexuality isn't that important right now in the big picture. I want to first figure out platonic relationships, but I can’t help but feel like such an odd one out. It isn't good to get into a relationship to fit in or just to have someone validate your feelings. I’ve fallen into that trap.
I have liked someone before, and I will like someone again. I just want to figure it out myself, and that's frustrating because that's just going to take time and experimentation. Curse you human experience! I wish I could just be popped into existence with traits like a sim! I’m not the first person to have these feelings, and I won’t be the last.
I sometimes wonder if nobody had told me about being a lesbian if I would be one. Would I still be attracted to women if I didn't know it was an option? Would I be attracted to men? Sexuality is fluid and a social construct, so what if I wasn’t a lesbian? What if I’m only a dyke because I tell myself I am? That's the biggest fear that I have to let go of. I can be wrong about who I am. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. I can just be myself and not care about any of these labels, or I can find a hyper-specific label for how I’m feeling today. Both are fine. That's the best part of being queer, and I guess I’m afraid of that queer label being taken from me. Whenever my mom asks me about a future hypothetical wife, I can’t imagine her. I don't even like using she/her pronouns for them. I dont know who will be my partner in the future, and I dont even know if I’ll have one. I don’t know what I’ll be eating tomorrow, let alone who I’ll marry! It's a silly question. It's a question I’ve spent too much time dwelling on.
To end this off, I’ve been reading some queer theory/history books to try and wrap my head around being so confused with my gender and sexuality! They are Non-binary Gender Identities: History, Culture, Resources by Charlie McNabb and Odd Girls and Twilight Lovers: A History of Lesbian Life in Twentieth-Century America by Lillian Faderman. I hope these help, but so far I’ve been reading them and feeling like everyone has this whole being queer thing figured out except for me. I’m learning how wishy-washy our history and labels can be, but it doesn't make me feel much better. Seeing so many people be confident in their queerness makes me feel inferior about mine, but that must be what it was like in the past when people questioned if queer people even existed. It's so complicated, and people who know a whole lot more than me are probably screaming that from the hilltops. I know that, but it doesn’t make it any less hard. If you have any queer self-help books that aren't too cheesy, send them my way.
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